Author: Chris Carson
Date: 09:51:53 11/24/97
Recently got this from a friend. Thought you might enjoy (note: I did not create this, I just passed it along): >Title - The Engineer Song >Original - The Lumber Jack Song >Group - Monty Python >Author - Kathy Kelley and Matt Covert >Intro - >Song - > >Ohhh! I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day. > >I drink my Jolt, I write some code, give up and surf the Web. >I download dirty pictures, and bill for that instead. > >Ohhh! I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day. > >I like Dilbert, I read sci-fi, and speak in Python quotes. I like to >code in UNIX. Powerbuilder is for dolts! > >Ohhh! I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day. > >I eat fast food, I watch Star Trek, and fill myself with beer. I wish I >had a girlie, 'cause my papa thinks I'm queer. > >Ohhh! I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day. > >The perks are great, they treat me well, 'cause they think I work sooo >hard! >They're sending me to the COMDEX on the corporate credit card! > >Ohhh...I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day! > >I have no grace or social sense. Don't own a suit or tie. My idea of >witty discourse is querying EMACS vs. VI. > >Ohhh...I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day! > >I surfed too long, downloaded too much, ended up with a virus, you see. >Not the social type that you might think, but one on my PC. > >Ohhh! I'm an engineer and I'm well paid. I code all night and I sleep >all day. > > >* YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF... * > >If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE > >If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 > >If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie > >If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes > >If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner > >If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the >decimal point in the right place > >If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'toys > >If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car > >If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than >hanging coats and taping ducts > >If you window shop at Radio Shack > >If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest >sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies > >If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door >opener and your camera's flash attachment > >If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is > >If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven > >If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush > >If you own "Official Star Trek" anything > >If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project > >If you are currently gathering the components to build your own >nuclear reactor > >If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts > >If you truly believe aliens are living among us > >If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance >(oh-oh).. > >If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it > >If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile >tires > >If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you >own turns bread into charcoal > >If you have more toys than your kids > >If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name > >If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work > >If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight > >If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush >up to the front to fix it > >If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary > >If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel >and have seen most of the shows already > >If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own >handwriting(BIG OH-Oh! ) > >If people groan at the party when you pick out the music > >If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this >week > >If you did the sound system for your senior prom > >If your checkbook always balances > >If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone > >If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life > >If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission >controllers > >If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they >didn't get enough sleep > >If you spend more on your home computer than your car > >If you know what http:/ stands for > >If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio > >If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your >garage > >If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to >explain atmospheric absorption theory > >If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. >Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg) > >If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail........ > >- - - - - - - - - - - - - - Random Quote - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. > -- Laws of Computer Programming, IV >_____________________________________________________________________ > >"Where Deleted Characters Go" > >The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > >Your question was: >> Oh amazing Oracle. Please solve this prolem for me. >> Where do the characters go when I use backspace on my PC? > >And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle: > >} Amazing? I answer questions from around the globe - WITH omniscience >} - and the best thing you can think to call me is amazing?? Before >} asking a DUMB question?? Oh well. If you must know, the characters >} can go to different places, depending on whom you ask: --- >} >} The Catholic's approach to characters: >} >} The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The >} characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles >} are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out >} bottle in sight. Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those >} that have never been, er, involved with other characters. Often, >} you'll see A's or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love: >} monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. You'll see >} quite a few Q's too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no >} good reason. >} >} The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were >} wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty >} character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are those involved >} in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," >} "objectivity," and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," >} "reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask, >} and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for the words they >} assemble, when in fact they are not responsible for their own >} configuration. But we feel that a character has an obligation to >} oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt >} guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel. >} >} The Buddhist Explanation: >} >} If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after >} it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher >} character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard >} will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters >} will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters >} will become C's. Why C, you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a >} character's karma is not so good, then it will move down the above >} scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space. >} >} The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: >} >} Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of >} meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're on the >} page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same. More >} characters should delete themselves. (nihilist characters are easy >} to identify. They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.) >} >} The Mac user's explanation: >} >} All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to >} PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted >} characters, because you're in PC hell also. >} >} Stephen King's explanation: >} >} Every time you hit the <Del> key you unleash a tiny monster inside >} the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, >} drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! >} >} Dave Barry's explanation: >} >} The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where >} they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are >} so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. I'm not >} making any of this up. >} >} IBM's explanation: >} >} The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they >} are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to >} de-conceptualize them. Get a life. >} >} PETA's Explanation: >} >} You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why >} don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you >} pig!!!!!! >} >______________________________________________________________________ > > A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to > each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the > Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer > just wants to sleep so he politely , turns away and tries to > sleep. > > The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. > He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer > you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the > answer I'll pay you $5." > > Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. > > The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't > know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I > pay you $50!" > > Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. > > The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance to > from the earth to the moon?" > > Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer > $5. > > Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes > up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" > > The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his > laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about > an hour hands the Engineer $50. > > The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to > sleep. > > The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to > the question?" > > Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to > the Programmer, turns away and tries to sleep. Best Regards, Chris Carson
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