Author: Robert Hyatt
Date: 05:53:18 10/30/00
Go up one level in this thread
On October 30, 2000 at 05:15:11, Thorsten Czub wrote: This seems to be 100% off-topic and has nothing to do with computer chess. We don't really need such threads popping up here. Nothing has been deleted, but it should be _stopped_ at this point. >The Argument Sketch > > > >A man walks into an office. > >Man: (Michael Palin) Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please. > >Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? > >Man: No, this is my first time. > >Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you >thinking of taking a course? > >Man: Well, what would be the cost? > >Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight >pounds for a course of ten. > >Man: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how >it goes from there, okay? > >Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment. > >(Pause) > >Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, >Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. > >Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.) > >Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? > >Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... > >Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! > >Man: What? > >A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS >TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! > >M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!! > >A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse! > >M: Oh! Oh I see! > >A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door. > >M: Oh...Sorry... > >A: Not at all! > >A: (under his breath) stupid git. > >(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.) > >Man: Is this the right room for an argument? > >Other Man:(John Cleese) I've told you once. > >Man: No you haven't! > >Other Man: Yes I have. > >M: When? > >O: Just now. > >M: No you didn't! > >O: Yes I did! > >M: You didn't! > >O: I did! > >M: You didn't! > >O: I'm telling you, I did! > >M: You did not! > >O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? > >M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. > >O: Just the five minutes. Thank you. > >O: Anyway, I did. > >M: You most certainly did not! > >O: Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh no you didn't! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: No you DIDN'T! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: No you DIDN'T! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: No you DIDN'T! > >O: Oh yes I did! > >M: Oh look, this isn't an argument! > >(pause) > >O: Yes it is! > >M: No it isn't! > >(pause) > >M: It's just contradiction! > >O: No it isn't! > >M: It IS! > >O: It is NOT! > >M: You just contradicted me! > >O: No I didn't! > >M: You DID! > >O: No no no! > >M: You did just then! > >O: Nonsense! > >M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! > >(pause) > >O: No it isn't! > >M: Yes it is! > >(pause) > >M: I came here for a good argument! > >O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument! > >M: An argument isn't just contradiction. > >O: Well! it CAN be! > >M: No it can't! > >M: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a >proposition. > >O: No it isn't! > >M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction. > >O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position! > >M: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'. > >O: Yes it is! > >M: No it isn't! > >O: Yes it is! > >M: No it isn't! > >O: Yes it is! > >M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the >automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. > >O: It is NOT! > >M: It is! > >O: Not at all! > >M: It is! > >(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.) > >O: Thank you, that's it. > >M: (stunned) What? > >O: That's it. Good morning. > >M: But I was just getting interested! > >O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. > >M: That was never five minutes just now!! > >O: I'm afraid it was. > >M: (leading on) No it wasn't..... > >O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. > >M: WHAT?? > >O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. > >M: But that was never five minutes just now! >Oh Come on! >Oh this is... >This is ridiculous! > > >O: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! > >M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are. > >O: Thank you. > >M: (clears throat) Well... > >O: Well WHAT? > >M: That was never five minutes just now. > >O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! > >M: Well I just paid! > >O: No you didn't! > >M: I DID!!! > >O: YOU didn't! > >M: I DID!!! > >O: YOU didn't! > >M: I DID!!! > >O: YOU didn't! > >M: I DID!!! > >O: YOU didn't! > >M: I don't want to argue about it! > >O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! > >M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! > >O: No you haven't! > >M: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid. > >O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time. > >M: I've had enough of this! > >O: No you haven't. > >M: Oh shut up! > >(Man leaves the office)
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