Author: Jari Huikari
Date: 04:47:53 11/09/01
Go up one level in this thread
On November 09, 2001 at 03:05:36, Jouni Uski wrote: >Kiva, että täällä on suomeakin! Minulle käyvät ihan hyvin kielistä suomi, >englanti, saksa ja ruotsi. > >Jouni Here is a short translation of above for those who are not so good in finnish: A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?" The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?" "Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?" "Yes, ma'am, one of them does." "W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you know when your woman is too fat? A. When you can fuck her elbows. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Muslim was killed in a car accident. He arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Muhammad." St. Peter says "Sure, no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there stands Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven". The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, it's such an honour to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Muhammad". Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Muhammad." The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, and he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand. The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honour to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Muhammad." God says "Oh. You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?" The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee" God yells into the kitchen... "Hey Muhammad. two coffees!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? A. Einstein's cock! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: "Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you've had a good Blow Job when... 1) You have to pull the sheets out of your ass when she is done. 2) Your dick has the dry heaves for three days afterward. 3) The head of your dick is twice the size of your balls. 4) You swear off sheep for good! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An airliner has crashed into a cemetry outside Poland. Rescuers have been working for a week. So far they've recovered 4,000 bodies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore fucks everyone at the party. A bitch fucks everyone at the party except you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It works by changing your blood type!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water. "Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender. The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate Jack when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation. "Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked. "Oh, that was Mike." She replied calmly. "Oh shit, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mike say where he was?" "Relax, he's down at the bar, playing a few games of pool with you." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A horny guy dropped his pants, and his new girlfriend was dismayed to see that he had only a 2-inch pecker. "Who the hell do you think you are gonna satisfy with that?" she demanded. "Me" said the guy, with a smile. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How many men does it take to open a can of beer ? A. None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fella walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Mate, have I got some Irish jokes for you!" The barman leans over to him and says: "Listen, if I were you, I'd watch what I said. Both the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact, everyone in this bar is Irish." "Oh, that's okay," says the fella, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Delight at these Naughty Young Girls Nasty Deeds! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you get if you cross Loreena Bobbit and Monica Lewinsky? A. A cigar cutter -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little old guy says to the doctor, "You gotta help me. Every morning at seven o'clock I take a nice long pee, and then at eight, just like clockwork, I take a big healthy crap." The doctor says, "What's the problem?" "I don't get up 'till nine." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a young man named Sweeney, Who spilled some gin on his weenie. He thought this uncouth, So he added vermouth, And he slipped his girl a martini. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor enters the hospital cafeteria with three spots of blood on his shirt. The other doctors ask him what he's done. "Well." he said, "A guy in a car crash lost his arm, so I sewed it on again and he is back using his typewriter already." Another doctor enters the room, with only one spot of blood on his shirt. They ask him the same question and the doctor says, "A man got hit by a train and lost both his legs, so I sewed them on again and now he's out running a marathon." A third doctor enters fully covered with shit. "What the fuck did you do?!" they asked. "Well." he said. "Nothing special. I had to pull a tooth, but the fucker wouldn't open his mouth." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three blokes go to a building contractor to apply for jobs. The first man goes in and sees that the boss is over by the window. "GREEN SIDE UP!" yells the boss. The man is confused, but doesn't want to say anything. The next man comes in after him. After his interview, the boss runs over to the window and shouts again, "GREEN SIDE UP!" The exact same thing happens with the third man. Comparing notes at the end, they decide that they want to know why the boss was acting so strange. So they all go back in and ask the boss. "Oh, it's OK", he says. "We've just got some Irish turf layers in this week". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two whales are swimming in the ocean and one whale spots a whaling ship. He says to the other whale, "Those bastards killed my family! Will you help me get revenge?" The other whale agrees. So they swim under the ship and blow it over with their blowholes. The whale is happy with this and swims away. As he looks back and sees the men swimming to safety, he says to the other whale, "Come help me swallow them up" to which his friend says "Hey! I just did a blowjob! I'm not about to swallow any more seamen!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man that went into a bar one night. He sat at the bar and a little man in a green suit and green pants sat beside him. The man thought that he was seeing things because he was drunk, so he decided to go to the bathroom. The man stood at the urinal, and sure enough the little man came into the bathroom to the urinal. The man finally got up the courage and said, "Hey, you're one of those leprechauns...Aren't you?" The little man thought about it for a minute, then finally answered, "Yes I am." Then the taller man said, "That means I get three wishes then, right?" Sure enough the little man said, "You do, but first I get to butt fuck you." The taller man thought about it for a while, then decided and said, "OK". So the little man bent the taller man over the urinal and butt fucked him till he was finished. Then the little man said, "You look like you're about 35 or so, have a wife, and maybe a couple of kids." The taller man said, "Ya, I'm 37, have a wife, and I have one child, a son." Then the little man started chuckling and said, "...And you still believe in leprechauns?" Jari
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