Author: Dan Ellwein
Date: 20:34:18 03/29/04
thought this was pretty funny and wanted to pass it along...
Redmond, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to
protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors,"
the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or
selling products containing zeroes and ones - the mathematical building blocks
of all computer languages and programs - unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per
digit used is paid to the software giant.
"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since
its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the
overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered
use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions
and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us
with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."
A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape
and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as
monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing
fee would bankrupt them instantly.
While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a
platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string
of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose
company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet
applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be
approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."
"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to
convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious
doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling
pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."
As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium."
Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to
Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a
chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a
revolutionary new steam-powered printer.
Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that
ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously
enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said.
"Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from
1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We
also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the
idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al
Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original
mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed
first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need
arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or
anyone else
that we own the rights to these numbers." Added Gates: "My salary also has lots
of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."
According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one
and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers
derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of
all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and
levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the
concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics
professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may
not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi.
Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.
Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking,
stretching and smiling.
In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday,
Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately,
benefit all humankind.
"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of
the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the
computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software
company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our
products, are
the zeroes."
http://www.galanter.net/FunnyStuff/Eng/010010101.
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