Author: Mark Ryan
Date: 17:48:13 03/30/04
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On March 29, 2004 at 23:34:18, Dan Ellwein wrote: >thought this was pretty funny and wanted to pass it along... > > >Redmond, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to >protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," >the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday. > With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or >selling products containing zeroes and ones - the mathematical building blocks >of all computer languages and programs - unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per >digit used is paid to the software giant. > "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since >its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the >overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered >use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions >and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us >with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals." > A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape >and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as >monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing >fee would bankrupt them instantly. > While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a >platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string >of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose >company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet >applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be >approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company." > "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to >convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious >doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling >pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs." > As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun >radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has >embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." >Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to >Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a >chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a >revolutionary new steam-powered printer. > Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that >ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. "We will vigorously >enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. >"Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from >1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We >also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the >idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al >Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original >mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed >first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need >arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or >anyone else >that we own the rights to these numbers." Added Gates: "My salary also has lots >of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world." > According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one >and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers >derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of >all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and >levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the >concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics >professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything." > Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may >not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. >Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week. > Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to >individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, >stretching and smiling. > In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, >Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, >benefit all humankind. > "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of >the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the >computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software >company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our >products, are >the zeroes." > >http://www.galanter.net/FunnyStuff/Eng/010010101. It's from "the onion" way back in 1998: http://www.theonion.com/onion3311/microsoftpatents.html
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