Author: gerold daniels
Date: 05:14:06 07/09/05
Go up one level in this thread
On July 09, 2005 at 01:43:03, Madhavan wrote:
>Subject: Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)
>
>
> #include <nonsense.h>
> #include <lies.h>
> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
> #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
> #define say(x) lie(x)
> #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
> #define next_year soon
> #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
>
> void main()
>
> {
> if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
> {
> if (there_are_still_bugs)
> market(bugfix);
> if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
> raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
> }
> while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
> {
> make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
> lie.h */
> if (rumours_grow_wilder)
> make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
>
> if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
> {
> market_time=ripe;
> say("It will be ready in one month);
> order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
> order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
> order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
> vapourware=TRUE;
> break;
> }
> }
> switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
> {
> case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
> say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
> break;
> case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
> say("Yes it will work");
> ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
> pretend(there_is_no_problem);
> break;
> case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
> say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
> " the 32 bits architecture");
> inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
> inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
> "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
> inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
> get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
> break;
> case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
> say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
> everyone");
> register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
> when(time_is_ripe)
> {
> arrest(journalist);
> brainwash(journalist);
> when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
> {
> order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
> release (journalist);
> }
> }
> break;
> }
> while (vapourware)
> {
> introduction_date++; /* Delay */
> if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
> break;
> say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
> }
> release(beta_version)
> while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
> {
> bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
> release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
> introduce(more_memory_requirements);
> if (customers_report_installation_problems)
> {
> say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
> if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
> {
> ignore(customer);
> order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
> bastard");
> }
> }
> if (there_is_another_company)
> {
> steal(their_ideas);
> accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
> hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
> wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
> buy_out(other_company);
> }
> }
> /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
> us */
> order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
> buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
> laugh_at(everyone,
> for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
> }
>
> void bugfix(void)
> {
> charge (a_lot_of_money);
> if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
> say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
> if (still_complaints)
> {
> ignore(customer);
> register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
> /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
> }
> }
Bill called me and said you got a job with him when you get out of college.
:+}
gerold.
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