Author: Mark Ryan
Date: 16:11:22 07/09/05
Go up one level in this thread
On July 09, 2005 at 08:14:06, gerold daniels wrote:
>On July 09, 2005 at 01:43:03, Madhavan wrote:
>
>>Subject: Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)
>>
>>
>> #include <nonsense.h>
>> #include <lies.h>
>> #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
>> #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
>> #define say(x) lie(x)
>> #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
>> #define next_year soon
>> #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
>>
>> void main()
>>
>> {
>> if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
>> {
>> if (there_are_still_bugs)
>> market(bugfix);
>> if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
>> raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
>> }
>> while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
>> {
>> make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
>> lie.h */
>> if (rumours_grow_wilder)
>> make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
>>
>> if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
>> {
>> market_time=ripe;
>> say("It will be ready in one month);
>> order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
>> order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
>> order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
>> vapourware=TRUE;
>> break;
>> }
>> }
>> switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
>> {
>> case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
>> say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
>> break;
>> case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
>> say("Yes it will work");
>> ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
>> pretend(there_is_no_problem);
>> break;
>> case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
>> say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
>> " the 32 bits architecture");
>> inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
>> inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
>> "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
>> inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
>> get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
>> break;
>> case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
>> say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
>> everyone");
>> register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
>> when(time_is_ripe)
>> {
>> arrest(journalist);
>> brainwash(journalist);
>> when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
>> {
>> order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
>> release (journalist);
>> }
>> }
>> break;
>> }
>> while (vapourware)
>> {
>> introduction_date++; /* Delay */
>> if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
>> break;
>> say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
>> }
>> release(beta_version)
>> while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
>> {
>> bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
>> release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
>> introduce(more_memory_requirements);
>> if (customers_report_installation_problems)
>> {
>> say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
>> if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
>> {
>> ignore(customer);
>> order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
>> bastard");
>> }
>> }
>> if (there_is_another_company)
>> {
>> steal(their_ideas);
>> accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
>> hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
>> wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
>> buy_out(other_company);
>> }
>> }
>> /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
>> us */
>> order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
>> buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
>> laugh_at(everyone,
>> for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
>> }
>>
>> void bugfix(void)
>> {
>> charge (a_lot_of_money);
>> if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
>> say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
>> if (still_complaints)
>> {
>> ignore(customer);
>> register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
>> /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
>> }
>> }
>
>
>Bill called me and said you got a job with him when you get out of college.
>
>:+}
>
>gerold.
College???
Mark :b
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