Author: John R. Menke, Sr.
Date: 07:28:40 12/23/99
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Moderators: You won't hurt my feelings if you delete this as being too far off
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--JRM
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ASSOCIATED PRESS RELEASE.
Christmas 2000
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and
better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that
in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last
I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations
in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
--------------------
Subject: X-mas Songs for the Emotionally Disturbed
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and
Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and
Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell,
JingleBell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock............(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
--------------------------
Parking Lot Rules - especially applicable at the Holidays
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road,
don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on
the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is
empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take
it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your
door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the
same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park.
Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere
else.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and
drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative
to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road.
The same rule applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting
for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the
car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking
lot, there isn't any!
Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers
walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain
remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares
the mess out of them.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or
another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to
pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the
narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and
wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles
and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking
space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked
vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots.
While youâ€Tre at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or
McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot,
leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a
crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the
radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel
free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in
the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent
car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down
the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn
around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture
to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting
in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do
it again.
Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your
bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver
who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your
spot.
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